The outside perspective

There are many types of reaction to the hoard. Not everyone will see it as a problem. But the reality is that it is a problem.

You are not crazy.

You will often question yourself, your actions, your fears, your paranoia. It's all justified.

Many people will not understand you. Even if you told them they wouldn't understand your predicament. Not only that, people will not understand the implications and impact the hoard has on everything you do; don't do; and your relationships.

I pushed people away for years. Eventually I ended up without friends. I decided I was better off not having friends if having them meant that I had to lie to them.

You can't pretend forever. Your situation changes things. And lying changes you.

If you can live with telling others even if you have to dismiss your hoarder parent then go ahead. I couldn't myself.

Growing up and studying in a high class school made me much more sensitive to other people's opinion (because the contrast was greater) and how they viewed me, judged me, and put me in my place. Every weakness could have been exploited and made me vulnerable. But I can't speak for each person's circumstance and the people around them. If you see you have good people around you that won't judge you, but instead will comprehend you and even help you, then by all means open up.

In my experience people will judge you one way or another. Even those that say it's not a problem will act according to the reality. And the reality is that your place doesn't allow you to bring people in, to have a girlfriend/boyfriend there, or group study sessions, or distant family dinners, or even invite a handyman to solve some problem. This is the reality. And the lack of this possibility means you have to take a different route. This changed me as a person because I couldn't perform on par with other peers that had a decent house and no constant stress.

Don't let others' 'kindness' or 'good intentions' confuse you of what you know to be toxic and destructive. I repeat: you are not crazy. Your frustrations are legitimate and your suffering is fitting for the situation. You may not be able to do well in your life and that's okay. Don't let even the most well intentioned people around you guilt trip you into thinking what you are experiencing is just a detail and that you should be operating like any other normal person. Each person copes their own way, and not dealing doesn't mean you are the problem.

People often will tell you what you should be feeling or thinking - because that's what they think you should be feeling and thinking, whether or not you can apply it. The truth is people just don't understand. Don't let their view shake what you know to be true. The hoard is a 'mechanical-logistical' problem that needs a practical solution. Words won't suffice.

Many times you will be energy drained and feel like it's impossible to tackle such a problem without clashing with your hoarder parent but problems will only magnify and stack as time goes on. You have to decide if you will work to escape the hoard or, in case you can't, if you will clean it up.

The sooner the better. Because it will only get worse. And no one is coming to save you. You have to muster the strength to do it all on your own. It's a crazy and herculean task you have ahead of you. I did it. It worked for me in my own circumstance. I won't judge you if you can't from yours but you must measure your situation and what are your options of action and engage with them. Otherwise the hoard and the hoarder parent will keep draining your energy and soul.